Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
