I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
