it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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