Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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