I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
