I think I am morally bankrupt
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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