John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
