I got chris browned last night
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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