My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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