you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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