a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
