I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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