I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
