Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
