THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
