i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
