i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
