she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
