Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Be still, my beating vagina.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
