wake up i wanna do it froggy style
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
