All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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