i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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