sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
When are your genitals available?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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