Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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