You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
