eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm both gender and math confused
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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