My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
