You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
