I wish my penis had an off switch
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
