that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
