u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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