Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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