i need an iv and a liver transplant
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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