you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
