the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
