he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I AM VODKA MAN
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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