mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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