Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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