First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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