I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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