If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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