Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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