shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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