'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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