so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
