I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
