oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
