If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
