just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
