There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
