Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
